The other week, I watched Man on the Moon, a movie from 1999 starring Jim Carrey about the comedian Andy Kaufman. It was the first time I had seen the movie since it premiered in theaters and, while the movie was still good, I’m here to ramble about that first viewing, so many years ago. Because, while I enjoyed the movie, I honestly spent most of it reminiscing about watching it as a teen. (Good luck following my paths of thought here!)
In 1999, I was 15. Man on the Moon is rated R, so I was a year and change away from seeing it “legally” (it premiered December 26th). I had never even heard of Andy Kaufman, and I wasn’t particularly a huge fan of Jim Carrey… although, like most 90s kids, I had seen Ace Ventura and The Mask multiple times… and the beginning of Dumb and Dumber when they drive past the Big Blue Bug on I-95 in Providence, a point of pride for my weird little intersection of Rhode Island and Massachusetts (I don’t know if I’ve ever seen the rest of that movie, to be honest). I had no interest in Man on the Moon, and probably hadn’t even heard of it before that night at the theater. And I certainly wasn’t the type to even attempt sneaking into an R rated movie (although I had seen my share of them at home, as Velvet Goldmine was already a favorite of mine; I just don’t like to get in trouble!).
But I was with my best friend, Jenna, and she wanted to see it, so in we went. (The cashier didn’t even glance twice at us, but that didn’t lead to a spree of me sneaking into R movies, because one might.) To be clear, Jenna wasn’t a bad influence or anything… she was just a big fan of Saturday Night Live and, thus, knew of Andy Kaufman, unlike me. And here’s my first tangential thought spurred by watching this movie. Jenna and I were, for all intents and purposes, not alike. How we stayed friends from third grade until her death ten years ago is a mystery, because we never had much in common. I was messy, artistic, and wanted to be a writer; she was organized, loved math, and wanted to be an accountant. She’d come over and help me clean my disaster of a bedroom, and I helped her paint hers bright green. She had a disease that would eventually take her life (cystic fibrosis) but had the happiest outlook on life; I was chronically depressed (bipolar actually) and struggled with suicidal ideation. Even our crafts were different: she loved to crochet in her 20s, whereas I picked up knitting at the same time (note that I’ve now picked up crochet this year!). But we got along great, honestly never had a single fight, and supported each other. Her family was my family, we celebrated our birthdays together (five days apart), and I still miss her constantly. (And I really can’t state how much of a bad influence Jenna wasn’t, despite her coaxing me to sneak into an R-rated movie. Aside from this one story, we were both pretty straight-laced teenagers. Okay, that was the one thing we had in common.)
And to be honest, up until I rewatched the movie the other week, I could not think of why the movie would be rated R. Language, possibly, I figured? (No. There is definitely an explicit nude scene, among other things, that I had no recollection of.) But, even though I didn’t think (in my limited memory even two hours later) that it deserved the R rating… I felt so guilty that upon getting home, I immediately confessed to my mom that we had snuck into an R rated movie. She seemed confused at the movie selection (I would be too, knowing me) and asked why I had wanted to see it, I told her Jenna had wanted to, and… that was pretty much it. Nothing more was ever said and I doubt she even remembers my one teen transgression. I was so worried about her reaction though, which in hindsight is hilarious because my siblings and I were pretty much given free reign, always but especially at this point in time.
In 1999, months before sneaking into this movie that I knew nothing about, a pivotal event occurred in my life: in February, my father died of cancer. And this is how it comes back to Man on the Moon. This movie stuck in my head for so long, not only because of my first and only time sneaking into an R rated movie, but because this experience was the way it was because of my father’s death. My siblings and I were given free reign because we were all grappling, in one way or another, with my dad’s abrupt absence. As you might imagine, that death defined a lot of my life from then on, in small and large ways. And also… (spoiler!) Man on the Moon features Andy Kaufman dying of cancer. Watching that in a movie, after having gone through that recently, left me bawling in the theater, even though I had known nothing about Andy before the opening credits. I’ve still never watched any of his stuff, admittedly; this movie and experience was all that I needed.
I’ve lost a lot of friends and family to cancer in the years since, as well as to things other than cancer, like Jenna’s CF. Death’s never been a stranger (I just went to a funeral last weekend), and maybe that’s a reason I tend to gravitate towards stories about death. (Not to be morbid… It’s a part of life.) But this was the first movie I’d ever seen featuring cancer, and it stuck with me.
And I know that Jenna wanted to see this movie for herself, but maybe she knew I would appreciate it too. “Appreciate” being a general term for my mixed emotions still to this day; I didn’t need to see it, and it definitely didn’t “heal” something inside of me as some other media has done since, but I’ve clearly carried it with me to this day for a reason. Although I only rewatched it this one time a few weeks ago, I’ve thought about the movie and that night many times over the years. Maybe it was just a good memory with Jenna. Maybe it was because it was the first real depiction I’d seen of cancer destroying others’ lives. Maybe, now well out of my teenage years, it brings a smile to think about how I felt so guilty about sneaking into an R rated movie.
I enjoyed the rewatch, but as I spent most of it reminiscing instead, I obviously wasn’t paying attention as much. Maybe that’s okay. Maybe I’ll watch it again in another 26 years.
