Let's talk about a 2024 goal.

     Last night, I received my recent exchange from American Duchess, a footwear company that specializes in historical reproduction and historical inspired shoes. I LOVE them, although I can't afford to own many of their shoes (this brings the count to three). And it scratches an itch I've had for a very, very long time: I love historical fashion and reproductions, and want to cover myself in all of it. I enjoy watching historical fashion youtube channels like Bernadette Banner, Abby Cox, and Karolina Żebrowska (actually, she designed one of my pairs of American Duchess shoes!) and dream of the day I have a wardrobe like theirs.

My American Duchess collection, with the Karolina designed shoes in the middle.

    Well. One of my goals is to learn how to make my own wardrobe. See, the thing is, I hate fast fashion. I hate the styles, I hate how easily these clothes get ruined, and I hate what this cycle of throw-away consumerism does to the environment. (Quite frankly, I'm disappointed when I hear friends buying most of their clothes from sites like Temu.) I hate that clothes these days aren't made for the weather, but assume we'll be spending our time in heated or air conditioned spaces with the briefest of walks from building to car, car to building. (As someone who commutes by public transit and does a lot of walking in the elements, I can tell you right now that our modern clothes are not made with that in mind!) Now, I'm not immune to fast fashion; when I'm in need of a wardrobe refresh, mostly because I wear my dresses long past their expectancy, I will pick up some things from Target (who has started putting pockets in their dresses finally!), because it is more budget-friendly than the "sustainable" wear I otherwise buy. I'll admit that. But my actual go-to, when I can spare the funds or have a gift certificate, is Eshakti. All their dresses are made to order (so no wasted stock), to your size (your exact measurements if you want), can be customized in the hem and neckline, and have POCKETS! Oh, yeah, and they last SO long-- I have dresses from them that are approaching 10 years that I still wear constantly. I have some dresses from them that are definitely much fancier so I don't wear much, but of my selection of their "every day" dresses, you bet I do wear them every day. They're durable, they're good quality, they're not fast fashion... and did I mention the pockets? I definitely recommend them.

    Anyway. I love Eshakti, but still... they're expensive, and I'm limited to what they offer. And while the dresses are gorgeous, they definitely don't scratch that historical itch. And so, we come to what will be one of my goals for next year. (And actually was my goal a couple years ago, but it's much more likely to come to fruition next year because of life circumstances.) I would like to learn enough about sewing to be able to start making my own wardrobe. I know the basics of sewing (I'm much more comfortable with hand stitching than a machine, but I have one... as seen in the photo above), and have made a few simple things over the years (a simple wizard cloak, a couple skirts), although most of my sewing has been just patching up things as needed and adding pockets to skirts. Hey, it's a start, right? But I've been at a loss of how to further develop that. I have no idea how to read a pattern or what most terms mean. But next year...

    See, life is changing next year. Next year, I'm moving back home to Massachusetts. Which I'm very excited for in general, but also the specific circumstances! Which, this post isn't about the specifics, but it involves the fact that I'll be living with my mother, and that is relevant here because... my mom sews. My mom knows how to sew. Actually, I come from a looooong line of seamstresses; my grandparents' generation worked in the New England mills, my great aunt (ciocią) always made our Halloween costumes from scratch, my mom made me a fun poodle skirt for a 50s inspired middle school dance. We sew. And I'd love to keep that alive but, again, I don't know how to even start on developing this skill further than the basics that I know. But my mom knows. She even has an entire craft room that's dedicated to her quilting hobby. (Well, okay, lately it's turned into one of her cats' bedrooms lol.)

This was actually my bedroom until I moved downstairs in high school.

    She also has a beautiful antique Singer (it was my ciocią's), which folds down into its own desk, that I've never been skilled enough to use, but... maybe one day. She also inherited a serger from my ciocią, which I did use for a couple of my high school projects, but I know she gifted it to her best friend many years ago so I'm not sure if she has it or is able to get it again (said friend passed away about 10 years ago). Still, that would be amazing to have on hand as well!

This is just a picture taken off the internet but it's basically the same one my mom has.

Anyway, all this to say... one of my goals for 2024 (aside from moving cross-country, graduating from my master's program, getting a librarian job, and fixing up the house and land I'm moving into...) is to start learning how to really make my own wardrobe. I'm not sure when I'm moving yet (sometime in the spring, but actual date is to be determined), so my timeline will shift depending on that and when I get settled, but I'd like to have at least 3 skirts, or maybe even 3 different styles of skirts, made by the end of the year, and maybe a whole dress if things progress really smoothly.

    Like I said, I don't know how to read patterns, never mind adjust them to my size (I am not, after all, anything close to your beauty standards in that regard), so it's more than just learning the actual act of sewing. In reality, the sewing skill itself is probably way less than you'd imagine! So, it'll be a process, but that's my goal. My long-term goal is to have a whole wardrobe made by myself (aside from a few select pieces from elsewhere, of course), with materials that fit each season and are comfortable and long-lasting. We'll see how long it takes to get there.

I'm a Barbie Girl...

     I never thought I'd have a Barbie phase, and definitely not in my 30s, but here we are. I am beyond hyped for the Barbie movie, and it's got me thinking a lot about Barbie in general, and my relationship with her. Like most cisgender girls, I wasn't immune to being given Barbie dolls as a kid, but they definitely weren't my favorite. In fact, my only memorable time playing with them was when one of my My Little Ponies killed them all to get out of a wedding that was the same day as her softball tournament. (I loved MLP, but did not love receiving the "bridal" pony, so she fought back!)

    Aside from that, my favorite "Barbie" was actually a Jem doll, but I didn't know it was different and wondered why Barbie clothes never fit her.

    (Honestly... looking at her, and knowing me... is it any wonder she was my favorite?)

    Anyway, back to Barbie. See, as a kid, I was raised by a second wave feminist. And my mother meant well -- it did give me an early foundation of gender equality and social equality in general -- but I was taught that "girly" was bad, we should be as men are to be equal with them. Plus, I was a "tomboy" (what a word, in hindsight!), I loved climbing trees and catching spiders and playing ALL the sports. But I was also taught to hate pink and dolls, and I certainly never fantasized about my wedding or anything like that. (To this day, all I know is the music I'd like if such a thing should ever happen.) But I was very interested in animals, and specifically horses, so my mom indulged that -- My Little Pony, Littlest Pet Shop, Breyer horse models. Needless to say, the Barbies I was given didn't come from my mom (although she did crochet some outfits for them).

    No, instead, those came from my aunts... primarily one aunt who spent my entire life (up until her death a few years ago) trying to fit me into a pretty, feminine box. So she gave me Barbies every year for Christmas and my birthday. And I resented her for it every year, because I knew what she was trying to do. This continued into my early teens, even after I had stopped playing with MLP and such years ago. She was determined, and I hated Barbie for it.

    But really, Barbie is amazing for children to play with, especially budding feminists! Barbie is a woman and can still be anything she wants to be -- veterinarian, scientist, artist, teacher. She has lots of friends, pets, and accomplishments. She is such a powerful message to give to children of all genders and, as a little girl, I would've loved that message. (Thankfully, I grew up learning that message anyway, from various other sources.) Way more than the message that I did get, that Barbie is for girls because girls should like pink and dolls. That is the message we should be passing onto younger generations, and I'm here for it. Barbie is the archetypal feminist, and should be seen and celebrated as such. (Yes, there are some criticisms to be had, especially in terms of representation. But I recommend reading this post: why barbie is a feminist (yes, really).)

    So now, here I am. I'm still far from the "feminine ideal", but I have embraced the color pink, exclusively wear skirts and dresses, and am ready for my Barbie phase to finally happen. Now... to figure out what to wear to the movie premiere!

back to the fuchsia

 This is my space to just... be. Just put out whatever I want, as I want it. I have a lot of thoughts, about a lot of subjects, and need somewhere to put them. Rambling on twitter or in my discord server is often met with silence because that's not what those spaces are used to, long-form rambles or those topics. It's fine, it's not what I cultivated those spaces for. But I'd like a space that *is* cultivated for that. So, here we are.

I've spent my life on the internet, but I haven't kept a long-form blog in a while. I kept up with my fitness blog for a number of years, but really, I haven't done much at all in recent years. Honestly, I took a long break from content creation in general. But I need a space to just let out all my thoughts on various subjects, so here we are. There's no theme to this blog beyond what's stuck in my head at any given moment. There's no schedule, no pressure to write, just... we'll see what it becomes. (Plug: I have started a specific gaming blog where I talk about and review cozy, chill games.)

And wow, do I miss writing! And reading. I have a Bachelor's in English and focused on creative writing (and I'm currently in grad school for library sciences), but I haven't done any such in years (despite my yearly sign-up for Nanowrimo... it's tradition!). I've been suffering from writer's block (despite the stories in my head that I do want to tell) and general ADHD for way too long, and I'm hoping writing here will jumpstart those writing habits again.

Quick facts: I make content on Twitch and YouTube intermittently. I have two cats (Ginny and Felix Felicis... both named long before we realized JKR is a terf), and just said goodbye to my oldest cat and familiar, Avocado. I live in Chicago and am originally from Massachusetts, and am trying to get back east soon. I believe in found families and the power they can bring. I've been an activist since I was 12, and absolutely fight for equality. My favorite flowers are sunflowers. I have anxiety, bipolar disorder, and ADHD. I challenge myself to be a better version of myself every day. I'm queer: bi, demisexual and demiromantic, and some flavor of "what the hell is a gender" (I use she/her pronouns). And I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things.

Welcome to where I let them all out.